Take off to the Great White North

Bob and Doug McKenzie with a little Getty Lee.

Ponderables

If you fatten up everyone else around, you will look thinner.

It would be easier to lose weight if replacement parts weren't so handy in the refrigerator.

If swimming is so good for your figure, then why do whales look the way they do?

If you have melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

It's not a slow metabolism that makes us put on weight, but a fast food.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

When your house looks like a bomb hit it and company calls from a block away, set your vacuum by the front door and say "Come on in! I was just cleaning."

An antique store sign: Come in and buy what your grandmother threw away.

Above all, if it's not dirty ~ don't clean it.

An optimist sees the glass as half full. The pessimist sees it as half empty. A realist see it as just one
more thing to wash.

America is the only country where a housewife hires a cleaning lady so she can volunteer at the
day care center where the cleaning lady leaves her child.

A psychiatrist is a person who gives you expensive answers which your wife will give you for free.

Face powder may catch a man, but baking powder will keep him!

Be careful how you live. You may be the only Bible some people read.

Never be discouraged. Remember, Noah was an amateur. The experts built the Titanic.

One reason computers do so much work, they don't have to stop and answer the phone.

An optimist is a person who expects the ketchup to come out in 3 shakes.

Tact is the ability to close your mouth before someone else wants you to.

Life is too short to stuff cherry tomatoes.

Sometimes an unanswered prayer is a blessing.

If you would like your house to be clean, invite someone over to dinner.

It must have taken a lot of courage to discover that frog legs are edible.

The problem ~ how to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution ~ eat it in the parking lot.

Just about the time you make ends meet, someone moves the end.

If you want to see a cup runneth over, let a child pour his own soda.

The best sellers in many bookstores are cookbooks and diet books. One tells you how to prepare the food, the other tells you how not to eat.

Formal education will make you a living. Self-education will make you a fortune.

Man can not live by bread alone ~ he needs peanut butter and jelly to go with it.

There are two theories to arguing with women ~ neither ones works.

It is New Year's Eve, 1852

It is New Year's Eve, 1852 and John Smith sits at his desk by candlelight. He dips his quill pen in ink and begins to writes his New Year's resolutions:

**********************************
1. No man is truly well-educated unless he learns to spell his name at least three different ways within the same document. I resolve to give the appearance of being extremely well-educated in the coming year.

2. I resolve to see to it that all of my children will have the same names that my ancestors have used for six generations in a row.

3. My age is no one's business but my own. I hereby resolve to never list the same age or birth year twice on any document.

4. I resolve to have each of my children baptized in a different church -- either in a different faith or in a different parish. Every third child will not be baptized at all, or will be baptized by an itinerant minister who keeps no records.

5. I resolve to move to a new town, new county, or new state at least once every 10 years -- just before those pesky enumerators come around asking silly questions.

6. I will make every attempt to reside in counties and towns where no vital records are maintained or where the courthouse burns down every few years.

7. I resolve to join an obscure religious cult that does not believe in record keeping or in participating in military service.

8. When the tax collector comes to my door, I'll loan him my pen, which has been dipped in rapidly fading blue ink.

9. I resolve that if my beloved wife Mary should die, I will marry another Mary.

10. I resolve not to make a will. Who needs to spend money on a lawyer.

11. I resolve to not clutter up the good farm pasture with headstones, that will just get broken or fade with time anyway.

12. I resolve to protect my family and friends privacy, by giving false names and places for events.

13. I resolve to never give the correct accounts of misdeeds in the family, so when Uncle Lem shot that guy and was tried for murder, my kids will be told he stole a cow.

14. I resolve to never trim the family cemetery of brush and tangle weed, to keep out any one doing that silly Genealogical work.

15. I resolve to always alternate my kid's and wife's first and middle names when the census taker comes around, just to give him practice with his spelling.

16. I resolve to come from Ireland (where there are no records, or, if there are, they can only be examined by visiting the exact village, pleading with the local clergy (who is hostile to anyone not of his belief which of course you are) and/or handing over a fee equal to or exceeding your yearly income for one hour's research
which may not find anything.)

17. I resolve that not only shall I NOT die in my country of birth, but that nor shall my children (yea verily) unto the sixth generation.

18. I resolve that I shall call my children by odd names which the enumerator shall spell incorrectly.

19. I resolve that I shall be absent on the night of the census.

20. I resolve that if unable to be absent on census night I shall endeavor to be enumerated twice.

21. I resolve that when I die my children/wife are instructed to give the wrong details for my death certificate.

22. I resolve that I and most of my family shall die suddenly just before death certifications started to be used, in a parish where easy access to the records ceased the previous year.


(From: Jane Foley)