Valentine's Day Humor

What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
"I love you with all my art!"

What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?
He gives it a valenshine!

What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?
"I've got a crutch on you!"

Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?
It was a case of guppy love.

What do you call two birds in love?
Tweethearts!

What do you call a very small valentine?
A valentiny!

What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?
"Be my valenstein!"

Why did the stupid boy put clothes on the valentines he was sending?
Because they needed to be ad-dressed!

Why is Valentine's Day the best day for a celebration?
Because you can really party hearty!

What did one oar say to the other?
"Can I interest you in a little row-mance?"

What happened when the man fell in love with his garden?
It made him wed his plants!

What happened when the two angels got married?
They lived harpily ever after!

Why should you send your sweetie a valentine?
Because you always heart the one you love!

Dick Cheney's visual hunting aid

Dick Cheney's visual hunting aid
Originally uploaded by McNichol.

This helpful visual aid should prevent future mishaps

GM vs. Bill Gates

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the
auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the
computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles
to the gallon."


In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the street for no reason.? You
would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off
the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.? For
some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only
five percent of the roads.


6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation"
warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.


9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the
same manner as the old car.

10.? You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.