The Best Clean Humor on the Internet

The internet is awash with humor. Some jokes are funny, while others are clean. Here we have the rare, yet valuable, funny, clean humor. Send your funny, clean humor to me.



Friday, August 04, 2006

Matt sent you a Monk-E-Mail!

Matt created a Monk-E-Mail just for you. Now what did you do to deserve that?

CLICK HERE to see your message.

And when you're done watching the talking monkey, feel free to make your own Monk-E-Mail reply.

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Thursday, August 03, 2006

How hot is it?


isolation......
Originally uploaded by hb19.
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly

You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car Window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

$100,000 for a car .. sell the house

The Foxtrot comic for August 2, 2006 is good one. It's a GoComics postcard!: "Looks like someone else wants a Tesla. Hmmm, selling the house might not be so bad ...."

See here for a link to the Tesla. Yummy.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Rules of the Air (from Australian Aviation magazine)


Russian Warrior
Originally uploaded by El Fabo..
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the
stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all
the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up
there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the
pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No-one has ever collided with
the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing
is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all
of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi
to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of
arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice
versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five
minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might
be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also
report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number
of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately
no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The
trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and
round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger
compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of
miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet
to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience
usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not
subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you,
runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.