Subject: RULES FOR LIVING IN AUSTIN
Rules For Living in Austin:
1. First, it's pronounced AWS-TUN. It doesn't matter how they say it in other places.
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Austin has it's own set of traffic rules. There's no book about them. All you can do is get in your car and hope you survive to learn them.
3. All directions start with "Go down Mopac...'cause you don't want to get on 35."
4. Burnet, Braker, and Lamar have no beginning and no end.
5. It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the same street that you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a "scenic drive"
6. The 8:00 am rush hour is from 6:30am to 9:30am. The 5:00pm rush hour is from 3:30pm to 7:15pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, then you cannot be from Austin. You may only apply your brakes when the end of a yellow light and the beginning of the red light create a "burnt-orange" hue.
8. If you like being an individual, don't even think of working for Dell. You'll be branded like cattle and made to walk all over town with your "Dell tag" around your neck or clipped on to your belt loop. 98% of the people within a 200 mile radius work for Dell. When someone says "Michael Dell", Dell employees are trained to face Round Rock, hit their knees, put their face to the ground, weep, and rock back and forth.
9. Just remember that Mopac IS Loop 1, Capital of Texas Hwy IS 360, and 183 is Research, Anderson, Ed Bluestein, Old Bastrop Hwy. 2222 is Northland or Allendale or Koenig. Don't try to figure it out. Just accept it. If you question the intelligence behind this naming convention, people will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.
10. If moisture is determined to be rain, not sweat, all traffic must immediately cease. Ditto for daylight savings time, girl applying eye-shadow across the street, or a flat tire 3 lanes over. Do not attempt
to access any road after an apocalyptic event like snow or South X Southwest.
11. Construction on I-35 is a way of life, and a permanent form of Entertainment. Get used to it!
12. Keep in mind that the sloppily dressed "hippie" in sandals and earrings is probably the latest IPO millionaire around here.
13. Stay away from the Congress bridge at sundown if you do not like the thought of being in an Alfred Hitchcock movie.
14. And, yes, we all know that's a man in a teddy and a tiara on Congress. It's Leslie, and he probably makes more money than you do.
And remeber that:
Burnet pronounced Burnt, the e is very small.
Manor is pronounced Mainer
Mueller is pronounced Miller
Buda is pronounced Beuda
Rules For Living in Austin:
1. First, it's pronounced AWS-TUN. It doesn't matter how they say it in other places.
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Austin has it's own set of traffic rules. There's no book about them. All you can do is get in your car and hope you survive to learn them.
3. All directions start with "Go down Mopac...'cause you don't want to get on 35."
4. Burnet, Braker, and Lamar have no beginning and no end.
5. It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the same street that you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a "scenic drive"
6. The 8:00 am rush hour is from 6:30am to 9:30am. The 5:00pm rush hour is from 3:30pm to 7:15pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, then you cannot be from Austin. You may only apply your brakes when the end of a yellow light and the beginning of the red light create a "burnt-orange" hue.
8. If you like being an individual, don't even think of working for Dell. You'll be branded like cattle and made to walk all over town with your "Dell tag" around your neck or clipped on to your belt loop. 98% of the people within a 200 mile radius work for Dell. When someone says "Michael Dell", Dell employees are trained to face Round Rock, hit their knees, put their face to the ground, weep, and rock back and forth.
9. Just remember that Mopac IS Loop 1, Capital of Texas Hwy IS 360, and 183 is Research, Anderson, Ed Bluestein, Old Bastrop Hwy. 2222 is Northland or Allendale or Koenig. Don't try to figure it out. Just accept it. If you question the intelligence behind this naming convention, people will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.
10. If moisture is determined to be rain, not sweat, all traffic must immediately cease. Ditto for daylight savings time, girl applying eye-shadow across the street, or a flat tire 3 lanes over. Do not attempt
to access any road after an apocalyptic event like snow or South X Southwest.
11. Construction on I-35 is a way of life, and a permanent form of Entertainment. Get used to it!
12. Keep in mind that the sloppily dressed "hippie" in sandals and earrings is probably the latest IPO millionaire around here.
13. Stay away from the Congress bridge at sundown if you do not like the thought of being in an Alfred Hitchcock movie.
14. And, yes, we all know that's a man in a teddy and a tiara on Congress. It's Leslie, and he probably makes more money than you do.
And remeber that:
Burnet pronounced Burnt, the e is very small.
Manor is pronounced Mainer
Mueller is pronounced Miller
Buda is pronounced Beuda
posted by Matthew O. Smith | 2:17 PM
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